What is Nonfinite Grief? Can You Grieve Over Things Other Than Death?
If you look up the definition of Grief online, the common answer is “deep sorrow, especially that is caused by someone’s death” or “ a response to a major loss, such as the death of a loved one”. If you look at the more specialized site grief.com, grief is recognized as the “internal part of loss, how we feel” and “the reflection of the connection that has been lost”. While each of these is very true, what happens to us during other types of losses? Is it still considered “grief” if you go through a breakup, lose a job, Or experience a change in family dynamics? What about grief when life doesn’t turn out the way you planned?
From a very young age, We develop expectations and attach meaning and significance to the things we want, expect, idealize, and fear. These expectations and meanings help us organize the world and create our beliefs around what an “ideal” life looks like. When life goes on as we anticipated, we may not think much about our expectations or ideals, defining our lives as “normal”, good, or successful. But what happens when our imagined future doesn’t materialize or life falls short of our expectations?
“Nonfinite Grief” is the grief we feel when we lose non-tangible things, when there is “a lack of synchrony with hopes, wishes, ideals, and expectations”. The trickiest part of nonfinite grief (also called “Living Loss”) is that it is ongoing without a clear end point, reflecting the ongoing dissonance between the life someone expected and the life they actually have. Not having the life we expected or wanted creates fear and dread, chronic uncertainty, and an experience in which we see life as “less than”, abnormal, or outside the mainstream experience, which also creates distance between ourselves and others. Shame also occurs when we blame ourselves for making the “wrong” choices that led us here. The depth of this type of grief can feel confusing, especially when our tendency is to associate grief with death loss.
Here are some common scenarios that create nonfinite grief:
Wanting children but being unable to have them or unable to find a suitable partner to have them with
Wanting to be married or in a partnership and struggling to meet the right person
choosing a career but being unable to find work in that field
experiencing a devastating injury that impacts the ability to function in the ways you want
experiencing a career ending injury or illness
not having the relationship you wanted with a parent or another family member
having a family member with an addiction or chronic mental illness
living with chronic illness or disability
experiencing a breakup or divorce
losing cognitive abilities due to an illness
Having a child with developmental challenges or disabilities
Losing a loved one much earlier than expected
Losing a job that you loved
being unable to afford the things you really want such as a home, a car, or travel
not having a best friend or a supportive group of friends
Missing out on an experience that others around you get to have
If you’ve identified that you might be experiencing Nonfinite Grief or Living Loss, what can you do about it? First, it’s important to acknowledge and validate this as a form of loss. Often living losses are not fully recognized or understood by others. It’s helpful to remind yourself that these are real losses and that you are allowed to feel any way that you are feeling, no matter how intense.
Next, try to practice holding two truths at once. In other words, even though you may not have the life you envisioned, can it be true that it’s still possible to experience joy and meaning? It may be helpful to reality test your fears and dread. For example, can you challenge your assumptions about what it’s like to live a life without children? Can you make a conscious effort to meet others going through something similar? It’s important to note that your self-concept and identity can be deeply affected by living losses. Who you understood or imagined yourself to be may feel like it no longer aligns with who you are. Try to connect with the core things that make you you. Try identifying and letting go of what is outside of your control.
The uncertainty associated with these types of losses is painful, Practice sitting with the physical feelings until it becomes a little easier to tolerate them. Keep in mind that accepting your reality doesn’t necessarily mean you agree with it. Finally, practice redefining hope. It’s easy to fixate on changing the circumstances surrounding the loss and hoping things will change but this can reinforce your feelings of helplessness about it. Instead, practice asking yourself what hope would look like in this new reality. Finally, identify sources of support such as friends or family members who understand or professionally trained therapists or grief specialists to help you work through the complexity of feelings you are experiencing.